better day? perhaps.

for all intensive purposes, i would have to say that today was actually, a better day. shocking.

i first just wanted to thank everyone for their outpour of support. all of you who e-mailed me, and posted comments, you all mean so much to me. i cannot even begin to describe how much better i felt after reading all of your kind words and realizing that at least the ones of you who posted, don't think i'm crazy. (thank you to everyone else who does think i'm crazy, but didn't post. your silence is much appreciated). i'm in the process to replying to you all as we speak :) so thank you again.

now i guess we'll just jump into what's been happening over the past two days.

yesterday was a pretty sucky day which is why i didn't get a chance to even do a blog post. i got no sleep again the night before and i spent the entire day not eating anything, laying on the couch, watching netflixed tv shows. and i slept. a lot. then the night was when things got interesting. or at least as interesting as things get these days. ky (love of my life) asked if i wanted to skype with him. my response was "only if you want to." you see, since my last blog post, i haven't been texting or talking to him a lot at all. i've been trying really hard to not talk to him because when i do, i get upset and the emotional side of my depression starts.

skype is a funny thing. it's good and bad at the same time for me. i love it and i hate it. i love being able to see the person that you're talking to, but it's so close to being in person yet so far from it with no physical aspect, that it tends to make things worse. needless to say, i cried the entire 3 hours of our skype convo. seriously, the entire time. well, that's not entirely true. i spent the first about 10 min trying to play it cool until i just lost my cover and broke down.

he of course shut down, as he does when girl tears come into the situation, and things just started to get worse. we eventually reconciled and decided that since i have off from work this weekend, i'm going to go visit him in nyc.

i think this is a good thing. but it could be a bad thing. at least i know that i'll be happy for at least 2 days, and i have something to look forward to which may make me feel better about my life in general. if i could have definite times that i see him like once a month or something, i feel like i would be able to look forward to something. i seem to get more depressed when i feel like there's no hope.

here's a little catch though which is making me really nervous about the trip up to nyc. he's taking me to a party and i'm going to meet friends of his who i have never met before. one of them being a one night stand that he was with a while ago. someone he claims is still "just a friend". just the thought of her makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to be honest. i'll probably be writing my next blog post from a holding cell after meeting her. haha just kidding.

but in all seriousness, the whole thing makes me nervous. but i'll get over it. i'm just so happy to get to see him, and he seems to be happy to see me too, so i think we got over the horribleness of last night.

as for today, i worked all day. which i was actually thankful for because i was forced to get out of bed and not sleep on the couch and watch tv all day. i found solace in repetition and familiarity today and yesterday. i feel like i tend to feel better when i'm doing something predictable with a predictable outcome.like at work, i know exactly what i'm doing and how i'm supposed to do it and i always do it right. so i guess it makes me feel good about myself.

and then before i went to bed last night i watched friends (which is my favorite show in the entire world, i have all 10 seasons on dvd and i have watched each episode at least 50 times no lie). and watching that and knowing what they're going to say before they say it, makes me feel better. i know it sounds stupid, but i really think it helped. and plus, for all you friends fans out there, ky is so my ross. so since it all works out for them, i know it'll work out for me.

okay that's enough ranting for me tonight. ky is at a famous comedy club tonight so i can't talk to him anyway so i might as well stop thinking about it, watch friends, and go to bed. i was going to upload a video but for some reason i was like whispering and you can't hear anything i'm saying.

oh well.

thank you for listening.

ps i was thinking about getting some pictures from the nyc weekend and post them on here? (preferably ones of me beating up the chick he was with...jk again...) what do you guys think? would you be interested? let me know :)